When you're dealing with a high-conflict co-parenting situation, every message you send matters. The way you communicate can either escalate tensions or help maintain boundaries while protecting yourself and your children.

This guide covers evidence-based communication strategies used by UK family courts and safeguarding professionals, including BIFF and JADE principles. These techniques can help you communicate more safely and reduce conflict.

Why Safe Communication Matters

In high-conflict situations, communication can quickly become a source of tension and even evidence in legal proceedings. Unsafe or reactive communication can:

• Escalate conflict and put you at risk
• Be used against you in court or safeguarding assessments
• Create more stress for you and your children
• Make it harder for professionals to understand what's really happening

Learning to communicate safely isn't about "being nice" – it's about protecting yourself, your children, and your position while maintaining clear boundaries.

Understanding BIFF Principles

BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. It's a communication framework developed by Bill Eddy for high-conflict situations.

Brief

Keep your messages short. Long messages give more opportunities for conflict and misinterpretation. Stick to the essential information only.

Instead of: "I'm really frustrated that you keep changing the schedule at the last minute. Last week you said you'd pick up the kids on Friday but then you changed it to Saturday morning without even asking me, and this week it's happening again. I need you to stick to what we agree."

Try: "I need at least 24 hours' notice for schedule changes. Can you confirm pickup time for Friday by Thursday?"

Informative

Focus on facts, not feelings or interpretations. Stick to what happened, when, and what you need.

Instead of: "You're being completely unreasonable about this."

Try: "The school has requested we confirm arrangements by Wednesday. Please let me know your availability by Tuesday."

Friendly

Maintain a neutral, business-like tone. You don't need to be warm, but avoid hostility or sarcasm.

Instead of: "Obviously you didn't think this through."

Try: "I'd appreciate your thoughts on this by Friday."

Firm

Set and hold boundaries clearly. You don't need to justify or explain why a boundary exists – just state it clearly.

Instead of: "I really wish you wouldn't contact me after 9pm unless it's an emergency, but I know you probably won't listen."

Try: "I don't respond to non-emergency messages after 9pm. I'll reply tomorrow morning."

Understanding JADE – What to Avoid

JADE stands for Justify, Argue, Defend, and Explain. These are responses that often escalate conflict in high-conflict situations.

Why JADE Doesn't Work

When you justify, argue, defend, or explain, you're engaging with the conflict rather than setting boundaries. High-conflict individuals may use your explanations to:

• Find flaws in your reasoning
• Create more opportunities for conflict
• Twist your words
• Generate more material to use against you

What to Do Instead

Instead of engaging with JADE responses, use BIFF principles:

• Brief: Keep it short
• Informative: Focus on facts
• Friendly: Neutral tone
• Firm: Clear boundaries

Practical Examples for Common Situations

Handling Last-Minute Changes

Unsafe response (JADE): "You always do this! I've told you a million times that last-minute changes don't work for me. I have plans and you can't just expect me to drop everything. This is so inconsiderate."

Safer response (BIFF): "I can't accommodate changes with less than 24 hours' notice. Please confirm by Thursday if you need to adjust Friday's pickup time."

Responding to Accusations

Unsafe response (JADE): "That's not true! I never said that. You're making things up again. I have proof that..."

Safer response (BIFF): "I don't recall that conversation. Can you forward the message where I said that? In the meantime, let's focus on confirming arrangements for this weekend."

Setting Communication Boundaries

Unsafe response (JADE): "I'm tired of getting messages at all hours. You need to respect my time and stop being so inconsiderate."

Safer response (BIFF): "I check messages between 9am and 7pm on weekdays. I'll respond within 24 hours during those hours. For emergencies, call 999."

When Not to Respond

Sometimes the safest communication is no communication at all. Consider not responding if:

• The message is clearly designed to provoke you
• It contains threats or abusive language
• You've already addressed the issue multiple times
• A professional (solicitor, mediator) should handle it
• You're feeling too emotional to respond safely

If you're unsure whether to respond, wait. You can always respond later, but you can't unsend an emotional message.

Documenting Communication

In high-conflict situations, keep records of all communication. This helps you:

• Track patterns of behaviour
• Provide evidence if needed
• Remember what was agreed
• Identify when professional intervention is needed

Use Copari's Smart Diary to log incidents and save messages to your Evidence Locker for future reference.

Getting Professional Support

If communication remains difficult despite using these techniques, consider:

• Working with a family mediator
• Engaging a solicitor who understands high-conflict cases
• Accessing support from domestic abuse services if you're experiencing coercive control
• Speaking to your GP or mental health services for emotional support

Copari's support directory can help you find relevant services in your area.

Remember

Safe communication is a skill that takes practice. Start with one BIFF principle at a time, and be patient with yourself. Every message you send safely is a step toward better outcomes for you and your children.

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This guide covers general communication strategies. If you're experiencing domestic abuse or coercive control, reach out to specialist support services immediately. In an emergency, always call 999.